Friday, July 16, 2010
In two weeks it will be official, in two weeks we move to another state in another house and I wish I could be excited but I can't. When we move #3 moves with us. After all this time of fighting this, its official. I have been so wishy washy with this thing in deciding what happens. But the reality of this thing is I feel like I've lost something, this whole thing feels like a great big lost for me. I'm suppose to feel like I'm gaining a sister, a friend, a helper but I don't, truth be told I feel like I've just gained someone else that I'm going to have to take care of (be a domestic for). I feel like in a sense I'm losing no actually I've lost that thing that makes me and hubby extra special. Me fighting this thing, fighting her has created such a riff in our relationship, I just don't know. And now she's moving in and my life seems so grim. This is suppose to be a happy time, after having a miscarriage five months ago, I'm now two months pregnant. I had a sonogram and we saw the baby's heart beat. That felt good, talking about this brings that special feeling back to the surface. That beautiful heartbeat. When I miscarried they said it was a blighted ovum, which means the baby never developed and my body failed to realize this, until I was 12 weeks. But this baby has a beautiful heartbeat. This will be my joy, I must hold on to this. The last couple of days hubby has been so sweet to me. Especially at night, he holds me and tells me he loves me over and over again and my heart does that little flip. I feel so good in his arms, I wish I could lie there forever. But then the sunlight shines and the alarm clock rings and the reality of it all washes over me like a splash from cup of ice cold water. I don't want her to move in with us but I know that this situation is already to far gone and it doesn't matter because things will never be back the way they were, so destiny has spoken.