Friday, July 16, 2010


In two weeks it will be official, in two weeks we move to another state in another house and I wish I could be excited but I can't. When we move #3 moves with us. After all this time of fighting this, its official. I have been so wishy washy with this thing in deciding what happens. But the reality of this thing is I feel like I've lost something, this whole thing feels like a great big lost for me. I'm suppose to feel like I'm gaining a sister, a friend, a helper but I don't, truth be told I feel like I've just gained someone else that I'm going to have to take care of (be a domestic for). I feel like in a sense I'm losing no actually I've lost that thing that makes me and hubby extra special. Me fighting this thing, fighting her has created such a riff in our relationship, I just don't know. And now she's moving in and my life seems so grim. This is suppose to be a happy time, after having a miscarriage five months ago, I'm now two months pregnant. I had a sonogram and we saw the baby's heart beat. That felt good, talking about this brings that special feeling back to the surface. That beautiful heartbeat. When I miscarried they said it was a blighted ovum, which means the baby never developed and my body failed to realize this, until I was 12 weeks. But this baby has a beautiful heartbeat. This will be my joy, I must hold on to this. The last couple of days hubby has been so sweet to me. Especially at night, he holds me and tells me he loves me over and over again and my heart does that little flip. I feel so good in his arms, I wish I could lie there forever. But then the sunlight shines and the alarm clock rings and the reality of it all washes over me like a splash from cup of ice cold water. I don't want her to move in with us but I know that this situation is already to far gone and it doesn't matter because things will never be back the way they were, so destiny has spoken.

Friday, April 2, 2010

I wish I didn't say anything

He left in a huff, all he kept saying is "in my house". Since #1's little sister has been staying with us, #3 has not been permitted to come to the house. Maybe permitted is not the proper verbage but she has not come down and spent the weekend as she had in the past. He usually leaves on Saturday and they spend the weekend in a hotel. But all of a sudden not only is she coming to the house but she's coming Friday. So I have to deal with her being here literally for the whole weekend. When he confirmed that she was coming today I let my feelings go. I told him that I would have to be inconvenienced, and he didn't like that. I asked him what has changed she hasn't been allowed to come to the house now all of a sudden she's coming. He said he wish I would keep my mouth shut because I make everything worse. He said I was making him leave his house, his house. In a sense I know I'm wrong but I have to be uncomfortable in my house because of her visit. Is that fair to me, but I guess it doesn't matter because it's me. I asked him what has changed, why the change all of a sudden. I knew what the change was, the change was her texting him and telling him that some other alternative would have to be made because she could not deal with paying for a hotel room every weekend. The princess has spoken, so let it be done. So he is pissed off with me, he said "if you don't want her than tell her and lets be done with it. But you have to deal with the consequences ." It's bad because in a sense her presence makes me so depressed but then the thought that we may actually need her makes it hard for me to make my decision. I don't know it's like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.